October 1 - something about the first of every month makes me reflective. Turning the new page on the calendar.. marks the passage of time but also seems to make everything start fresh.
I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while now… seriously it has been on my to-do list. It just hasn’t happened. To be blunt, I’ve been struggling with the direction I want this little side project of mine to take. It has been a struggle of authenticity - do I want to write entries about what I wore and urge people to go buy it? Is this a travel blog where I detail my every move when I visit places? Is this a place to house pictures of my dogs and horses? Does anyone actually care what I have to say or what I recommend?
Authenticity. Its a word that has bubbled into my brain a lot in the past year. As I tore off the SEPTEMBER page from my desk calendar today, it struck me just how different my life is from October 1, 2017. One year ago, I was still dealing with the aftermath from a break up. I was heart broken and hurt and insecure. I was bored in my work, despite the luxury of free time that it afforded me. I tried to share some of the things I was feeling in this blog, but was still unwilling to share all of my innermost thoughts. It became easier for me to write about what I wore and products I liked and give recaps of places I visited - I kept skimming the surface, sometimes dipping a bit deeper to share a glimpse, but usually I wrote about the things that were easier.
Authenticity. One year ago, I was struggling to re-discover my own identity. Re-discover the things that truly made me happy, not the things that made me happy because they made other people happy. I wrote in my New Years blog post about feeling like I had been in a dark room, pouring light into people and things that didn’t give me light back. I stepped back, letting myself strengthen my own light. I can’t believe the beacons of light that some people have become were drown out by the darkness this time last year, there and shining brightly, my eyes had just not adjusted.
Authenticity. While I loved the freedom publishing afforded me, I was bored. The seasonal job I took at Churchill Downs in March wouldn’t have been on my radar as an option last October. I can’t imagine my life without the incredible work family I now have. Now, as a full time employee of Churchill Downs, as tired as I am from long hours working during the meet I cannot imagine my life without the chaos and thrill that comes from working in a dynamic setting like Churchill Downs. The people are dynamic. The business is dynamic. The industry is dynamic. The facility itself is ever changing, a dynamic force that shapes Louisville.
Authenticity. Why do I keep bringing this word back? Plain and simple, it has been why I’ve struggled to rekindle this blog. I don’t want to present a faux version of my life, which is very easy to do. With social media, especially with blogs, the very nature of them allows someone to present their own narrative of their life. This is something I struggle with greatly, a topic my amazing counselor and I still grapple with (probably much to her dismay): my discomfort with others presenting a different narrative of me. I find it so unfair that others present their own narrative of my life or a situation involving me. I know that I cannot control what people say about me or think of me. What makes me crazy is the presentation on social media, a well-cultivated image that people create from themselves. What I’ve come to realize is that this just isn’t me. My instagram will never be a cohesive menagerie of images because my brain just doesn’t work that way. I am constantly all over the place, and my writing and instagram should reflect that.
Authenticity. Showing the real me. The one that immediately changes into comfy sweatpants fit for a high school male athlete as soon as I step into my home. The one that still squeals with delight every single time I see a dog. The one that says HORSIES every time I see a horse, even if I am literally on the backside of Churchill Downs. The one that drinks too much wine with her friends and waxes poetic for hours about how adorable her dogs are. The one that finally sees how many amazing humans are in her life and how great it is to focus on them. The one that is getting more comfortable with saying no. The one that is still so grateful to her family and wonders what in the world she did to get to be a part of such an amazing group of related humans. The one that can’t quite settle on one focus in pretty much anything, so she just keeps plowing ahead in a million different directions.
Authenticity. October 1, 2018. I’m a totally different person on so many levels than I was one year ago. In other ways, I feel like I am still uncovering parts of myself I let get buried. Authenticity in my everyday life is a constant goal.
Authenticity is my new promise for this blog. Yes, there will be rambling personal posts like this. There will be posts about what I wore. Posts about horse racing and wine. Posts about products I have tried and loved or hated. And there will definitely be posts about my dogs.
Welcome to my head, its a really weird place.